Rainbow Baby Day Blues

It’s rainbow baby day. A day for all of the folks who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss to celebrate their subsequent babies. The ones who came after the storm of their loss. 

This also happens to be the first one since deciding I’m done having my own babies. I’m now realizing that I will never get a rainbow. My last birthing experience will be a loss. That baby would’ve been two this month. 

I am writing this to be transparent, to honor my story, and hopefully to help somebody else not feel so alone. 

It’s such a weird space to be in. I know which midwife I’d hire, I know we’d have a home birth as long as everything stayed low risk, I know which photographer I’d beg to capture my birth story. I have planned everything for a baby that I’m not going to have.

I’m finally confident in knowing that despite my burning desire to be pregnant, birth, and nourish another baby, I definitely don’t want to raise a 4th kid. Especially with at least 5+ years between them. 

My kids are all school aged, they can roam the neighborhood, and they are fairly self sufficient. I longed for this stage on the hard days of infancy and toddlerhood. Now that I’m here I’m finding myself to be in awe of all that we’ve been through so far as a family and relieved that we don’t have to go back. Our journey has been a rollercoaster and I’ll be writing more about it all soon. 

Heather Nischke